


The Study of Midnight Thought Processes

by kayo_chin



Category: Free!
Genre: Gen, Sad Rei, there are misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-18
Updated: 2014-07-18
Packaged: 2018-02-09 09:49:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1978320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayo_chin/pseuds/kayo_chin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'If they had to choose, he would think, between Rin and I... would they choose me?' Rei doesn't deal as well with being replaced in the relay as we thought he did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Study of Midnight Thought Processes

**Author's Note:**

> oops, my hand slipped and i wrote a 20 minute thing about how intensely I feel about the shitty awful stuff this show does to Rei.

Rei wouldn't say he does his best thinking whilst lying in bed, trying to sleep, just that his thinking takes on a new level of depth. When there's no external stimuli to distract him, when he can't just get up and start studying, run through exercises, do anything to stop his brain, when all he can do is lie still and hope sleep comes soon, his thoughts surface. Most recently, these thoughts follow a pattern.

_If they had to choose_ , he would think, _between Rin and I... would they choose me?_

It's an illogical thought pattern of course. Rin attended a completely seperate, significantly more appropriate school for him, and would most likely never leave it willingly. Not to mention Rei had been advancing in leaps and bounds with his butterfly stroke, and had been getting along quite well with his teammates.

_Swimmingly, even_. Rei snorts unnatractively, frowning even with his eyes shut at how _not beautiful_ such a sound was.

But of course, the greatest defence to such a destructive thought pattern was the simplest; there was no way such an event would occur. And so after a few minutes of illogical back and forth over his maybe-fear of abandonment, Rei would get some shut eye.

\--

They choose him.

Well, if one were to be pedantic, he volunteered to step aside and allow Rin to take his place, but it's not as if his teammates put up much of a fight. And they looked so happy to get a chance to swim with Rin again. They never looked that happy swimming with Rei.

Rei used the walk back to the bleachers as time to practice his smile. Something that would show he was happy for them, win or lose. It's strange to think a smile was something he suddenly had to practice.

\--

Maybe he's a little more distant, as days pass by. Maybe he spends a bit more time swimming laps than talking by the pools edge, and maybe he doesn't arrive early and doesn't leave late like he used to. Maybe he keeps his head down and puts more time into his actual school studies. It doesn't seem like his friends notice, and that hurts more than Rei's willing to admit out loud.

Practices go on as usual, though occasionally Rin will come to 'compete'. He's still grumpy and competitive, but there's less of an edge to his interactions now, and he's more prone to smile and make jokes than he was before.

Rei is watching the rift that lay between Rin and his friends stitch together between his eyes, and he does try his best to be happy for them. Happy that everything is working out the way they wanted it to. It feels a little selfish of him that this isn't working out the way he wanted it to.

It wasn't really a me or him situation, there was nothing saying they couldn't all be friends. But those few minutes by the pool side where he had been replaced as the butterfly swimmer for the relay made it abuntantly clear how easy it would be for his friends to replace him. How optional he was to their dynamic. Rei himself was a replacement for Rin, who even when gone took up their thoughts. Rei was replaceable.

And it felt like only a matter of time before they realised it too, and moved on.

\--

"Are you leaving the swim club?" Makoto asks, lazily kicking his feet in the water as if he were asking about the weather, or Rei's grades. Rei jumps a little, splashing water up into his shorts. He's struck silent by the forwardness of the question for a few long moments.

"I.. no," he says finally, "I would never dream of leaving the swim club." Makoto nods, still watching his feet as they form lazy whirlpools beneath the pools surface. Haru continues to swim laps, completely clueless as to the conversation occuring over his head.

"You've been so distant lately. I was worried you weren't happy here."

Rei jumps again, waving his hands frantically with wide eyes. "No, no! I've never been happier! There's nothing to worry about!"

"There's something to worry about. Something is clearly bothering you. We're your friends, Rei, you can talk to us."

"... not about this." Rei sees through the corner of his vision that Makoto has finally looked up, almost looking worried.

"You can't know that if you don't tell us." There's always been something about Makoto that's inherently trustworthy. Perhaps it's his honesty and friendliness to everything. He seems genuinely nice. He is genuinely nice. So it shouldn't be a surprise when the question spills out of Rei's mouth.

"If you had a choice between swimming with Rin and I, you'd swim with Rin, wouldn't you?"

The way Makoto looks at him is multi-faceted; shock, likely at the question, but also pain. Why would this pain him?

_Because he would rather swim with Rin, and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings_ , his brain supplies. _That's just what Makoto's like, always trying to please._

"Rei--"

"No, I've decided I'm better off not knowing the answer." Rei stands suddenly, feet and legs dripping tiny little plips onto the concrete by the poolside. "I'm going to change and get some laps in before the others arrive."

He can tell Makoto wants to stop him, to talk, but he holds his head high and keeps walking anyway. All he has done is confirm his fears. Continuing will be hard, but leaving will be harder.

\---

So he swims.

Nagisa and Gou catch on quickly that something is wrong when Makoto starts watching Rei so carefully, so sadly. _Pitying him._

_Poor little boy, playing at belonging._

When did Rei's mind grow so cruel?

He swims more laps than usual before he has to take a break, gasping for breath and leaning heavily on the pool wall.

"You're troubled."

"Ah!" Haru has snuck up in the lane next to him, completely untroubled by the incredible amount of swimming he'd been doing.

"Well-- I haven't been swimming as you as you have." Haru lazily looks back and into the distance.

"It's not that. It's something else." This gives Rei reason to pause. How badly has he been behaving that even Haru has noticed? Through blurry vision he notes that Nagisa, Gou and Makoto are not too far away, listening in in a very non-discrete fashion.

"Swimming with Rin was fun," Haru says slowly, "but it was wrong of us to replace you with him." Rei is once again struck silent. He blinks hopelessly.

"Haru's right," Makoto adds, giving up the pretence of not paying attention. "You worked so hard all year, and you didn't get to swim the relay with us."

"We didn't mean to make you think you weren't part of the team, Rei-chan," Nagisa pouts, "we aren't a team without you!" Gou nods emphatically, smiling in his direction. Haru pats him heavily on the shoulder once, then again, and it's as close to an emotional moment Rei is likely to get with him.

It's so.. everything is... It's hard to put the feeling into words. That sudden rush of relief, the knowledge that maybe his brain was on completely the wrong track for once. That they won't replace him. He wants to smile, to laugh.

So he does.


End file.
